I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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