Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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