I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize