He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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