Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Houston, we have a squirter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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