Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
