Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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