While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
