Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im holly from the hills drunk
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
