ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
