I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
