Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
