i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
