i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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