Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
did you just send me my own nude
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
