I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize