First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
