Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
