No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
