i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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