The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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