I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
