I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
