i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
