We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
