Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize