I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
