i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize