Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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