It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
