3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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