Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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