I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
