I am puke
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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