So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
