I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
