My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
