Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
