Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize