Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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