I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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