Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
