Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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