I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
