It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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