I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
