I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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