Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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