I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize