i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
