We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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