my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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