i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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