I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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