1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
