I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
