On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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