Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
