life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
