I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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